What would you rather do when you get upset with a loved one – suppress or express your emotions?

Why it matters…

Suppressing negative emotions

“The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy” – Jim Rohn

Our feelings or emotions may not define our true self but they form an integral part of how we experience life. Whether we feel happy, sad, anxious, curious, angry or calm, our emotions find ways of expressing themselves.

While we don’t suppress our positive emotions we may try our hardest to suppress negative emotions and go on in life as if they weren’t there. By doing so, we hope that it will all go away “one day” and cope by distracting ourselves with other activities.

Sooner or later negative emotions do resurface – maybe not in the form of strong emotions but in the disguise of physical or psychological ailments.

Expressing emotions and its downside

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret” – Ambrose Bierce

So what about expressing our negative emotions then?

Lets say we get upset because we believe our loved one needs to take some responsibilty for their life. The more we value the relationship the harder we may get emotionally affected. We try to advise, preach, plead, threaten in our desperate attempts to make them see our points of view. Sometimes it may work but at other times not.

Our good intentions may perpetuate the problem. Although to us our actions, advice and attempt at motivating the other person may seem appropriate, the recipient may perceive it as punitive, criticism or lacking in empathy. We may get emotionally overaroused and end up doing or saying something that we regret later. We become defensive with a strong sense of self-righteousness.

These not only exacerbate the strain on relationships but also affects the person’s wellbeing (and ours too). Numerous studies have repeatedly shown a strong association between high expressed emotions and relapse of serious mental illness, mainly psychoses and also mood disorders.

For these conditions family-based interventions have shown to provide a meaningful and effective way of enhancing constructive communication within the family.

We need to express emotions for our own wellbeing and can do so without getting overaroused, in a constructive way. If we don’t learn to manage our emotions, our emotions will manage us and our relationships.

So how can we deal with our negative emotions towards someone and communicate constructively ? I have listed a few ideas that you may find useful.

Clarify what you are upset about

It can result from a build up of unmet emotional needs and unaddressed issues. Take time to listen to and reflect on some of the recurring themes playing inside your head.

Has the person violated your rules or has their actions directly caused you harm?

Do you feel guilty about letting the person down or have they not lived up to your expectations ?

What do you fear or what do you want to resist?

Choose emotional de-arousal over emotional indifference

We know from common sense that in an overaroused state we fail to communicate effectively. We need to learn to de-arouse and remain in control of our emotions (more on this in another post).

One unproductive way of dealing with emotional overarousal is to appear indifferent to the surging emotions and to the person evoking those feelings in us. Although denial may seem useful, it conveys a cold and distant attitude and doesn’t serve anybody. One can misinterprete it as “I give up on you.”

Define the outcome you are seeking

Whose interest do you have in mind? You may have your interest in mind e.g. you want to resolve conflicts and restore peace of mind. It needs to serve the other person as well.

Do you want to just vent your emotions and let the other person know why you’ve been hurt? Or do you want to clarify misunderstandings, understand their needs and improve the relationship?

Adapt the “other person” mindset rather than the “ I, me, mine” mindset. Allow yourself to communicate without putting on a defensive armour. If your intention is to change the other person you may be setting yourself up to fail and ending up with frustration.

Communicate with the person on a regular basis

Find a suitable time to talk about delicate issues, a time free from other commitments. Create an atmosphere of trust so the other person finds it relatively easy to open up. Go the extra mile to understand them. Listen till you both agree that you understand each other’s position.

Instead of giving ultimatum or placing conditions, express your love and empathy. Share why you value the relationship and what you admire most about the person. Explain why get concerned and listen to their response. Come to a mutual agreement and respect each other’s view point, even though you may not fully agree.

Be an exemplar

If despite the best of attempts, the person doesn’t want to participate in a constructive dialogue, do not be discouraged…perhaps the person is not ready to embrace a positive change and that is a choice they are making. Continue to communicate as best as you can and work on your own emotional wellness.

Seek support from friends and professionals if the need arises. Use your emotional energy to empower yourself and to pursue your goals however challenging they may seem.

Take small steps consistently and learn from your failures.You could keep a journal, write a letter expressing your emotions (you don’t have to post it), embark on a spiritual journey – do whatever you think might find useful.

Work on your relationship with your “self”.  Learn to forgive – sooner or later the resistance will lessen and your attention and affection will be reciprocated.

What do you do to help a loved one who needs support ? And how do you replace cold emotions with genuine, warm affection ?

Tagged as: attitude, emotional intelligence, forgiveness, love, mental health, Relationships