I haven’t come across the DTR before and it looks like an amazing tool to enhance communication and connection between couples. One off questions like “How was your day, honey?” is not a bad place to start but I totally agree- keeping a relationship flourishing takes more than just this and DTR seems to have all the essential ingredients to keep the positive energy flowing.

Jack Canfield, one of the authors of the “Chicken soup for the soul”book series talks about a lovely exercise called the “Heart talk”. It works for not only couples, families or groups but even for businesses and organisations by making everyone feel heard, validated and accepted. There is a mention about it in his book “The success principle”. I am sure you will find it useful for couple work.

Once again, thank you for your thoughts and sharing your tools. The richness of your comments and suggestions will help many. There is no doubt about it.

Best wishes,

Rani

Here’s a couple of tools which my husband Alan and myself use, and which I suggest the couples that I coach might find useful. One created by the family therapist Virginia Satir is The Daily Temperature Reading, which only takes a quick 5-10 minutes a day, preferably in the morning, and the other is The Weekly Business Meeting.

The DTR is an exchange in the following sequence;
- Appreciations (what you appreciate about the other)
- New Information (thoughts, views and opinions about anything you might not usually get round to talking about )
- Puzzles (anything you were just wondering about, but , you may not have any puzzles)
- Requests(“I’d like you to put your dirty clthes in the laundry basket”. This is instead of complaining about it)
- Wishes and Hopes (This is what you want to achieve in the day)

To round it off you might ask each other “How can I help to make your day how you would wish it to be?”

This daily exchange of appreciation (7 a week) really helps to keep a couple positively connected; the new information everyday means as a couple they don’t become boring or get stuck in communicating only on the level of logistics (what do you want for dinner?), and Requests made simply in this context are more likely to have a positive response.

Focus is on the exchange, not about having a discussion. It is a great way for couples (espescially those with children and who work outside the home) to remain connected as a couple and not just as parents. In my view couples often find themselves tense and arguing with each other when they have disconnected emotionally.

The weekly business meeting is not quite as the name suggests. If you would like a template of it email me.

I’m deeply touched and moved by your kindness and special appreciation…this is quite exciting! As always it feels good to be acknowledged. I also congratulate you for the ‘sunshine’ and all the goodness in your writing and thoughtful commenting.

It’s time to go to bed in the UK, but I just couldn’t wait until morning to reply

I just gave you The Sunshine Award for positivity and inspiring creativity in other bloggers. http://bit.ly/aTsDvq.

Linda
Linda Wolf (Insanely Serene)´s last blog ..The Sunshine Award

Awesome post – so close to my beliefs. In fact, I have a post in mind that is very similar to this one. In any case, excellent suggestions and especially the ideas for clarifying one’s motives and intentions and being good to yourself in the process.

The only way I’ve found I can generate empathy and compassion for someone else is if I have met my own needs and been kind to myself. The way I treat myself is the way I treat others. This actually helps me when I see others being unkind or judgmental toward me – I know that’s how they’re treating themselves in their own head. And they have to spend more time with themselves than I do!

Linda