Letting Go of Problem Stories

An interesting concept in narrative coaching is that people are multi “story-ed” and that we live in and out of our stories.

Most of us have told ourselves and others our problem stories many times, over and over again. We keep updating and modifying our stories depending on life context and self-responsibility we bear at any moment. Owning up to our perceptions of reality or challenging our problem stories is not child’s play. This poses its own challenges and requires perseverance.

In this post I want to share a few ideas, about what may underpin our ability to let go our problem stories. 

1. It takes a big enough “Why”

“Why should I let go of my stories?”

Even though we might want things to work out for the better and our “logical brain” agrees how damaging it could be to hold on to past stories, the “ego” tends to get in the way. Some people admit that telling and recollecting stories make them feel special and significant. Now isn’t that interesting?  This undoubtedly would make letting go our problem stories difficult.

Pain motivates most people to take action but sometimes it isn’t until even more pain accumulates that people make a decision to change and start letting go.

Ask relevant questions and demand an honest response from yourself. One question you may want to ask is this – “If I have only one more year to live, what would I do?” Most people then come up with answers that represent their core values – like connecting to family and loved ones, traveling places, being charitable etc. A few even go a step further and admit that they would let go of their past stories and resentments, and forgive.

2. It takes courage

How easy or hard do you find forgiving yourself and others? Most people struggle to forgive themselves as well as others. They worry that by forgiving the other person the latter would get away easily and and that it may let somebody else down. Once you gather enough courage to challenge this viewpoint, you can give yourself the gift of forgiveness.

“Who am I without my stories?”

Most people who dwell inside their stories identify with their stories, to such an extent that they unknowingly become the problem. We need to consider the risk of people having a kind of identity crisis, should they let go of their stories fast. They would need to have enough trust to face the exciting and yet uncomfortable feeling of uncertainty, of not knowing who they could constitute themselves as, if they were “not their problems”. Again this needs courage and perseverance – something to consider even before they start letting go.

3. It takes healing from within

Some follow the spiritual route to seek peace and self healing, others wait for time. Time actually does and can heal but initiative on our part, as we seek ways to heal, will speed up the process. Some seek to become more self-aware and learn to love and accept themselves, following the journey of different forms of therapy, counselling, personal development work or reading and implementing from self help tools. All these combined with peer support e.g. forming buddy groups with people who want to transform their lives, again speeds up the whole process.

4. It takes commitment

…to give ourselves the time and opportunity to re-author our stories and own our perceptions of reality, no matter how much we may struggle in the process.

5. It takes “wanting to make a difference”

..to the lives of people, people who remain tormented by pain and suffering and do not see any light at the end of the tunnel.

These are a few of my current thoughts on this subject.

What’s your take on this?

What do you think it takes to let go of our problem stories?

Tagged as: Emotion, emotional intelligence, goals, mindfulness