The Gift of Forgiveness – a Must for Living Well!

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Lewis B. Smedes

Most of us experience hurt at some point in our lives.

How we operate habitually gives us some indication of whether we are likely to hold on to our grudges, resentments or choose to forgive and move on. Our health, beliefs, prevailing emotions and behaviours all join forces to play an important role.

Interpersonal forgiveness…

The term “forgiving” may not appeal to some because of its common religious connotation. “To err is human, to forgive divine” reflects this concept. We could consider “live and let live” as an acceptable alternative.

In this article I want to address “forgiving” as an interpersonal concept rather than something holy and divine. Although one may not view it as any different to divine forgiving, religious obligation has no role in this concept.

Through the process of forgiving one can let go of resentments, of the perceived need to get even with the other person and engender feelings of empathy for them. In doing so we would free ourselves from the realms of self-inflicted suffering to focus on more important areas of our lives.

Why some people find it hard to forgive?

The deeper the wound the longer it takes to heal, especially if one had experienced multiple traumas in the past. The betrayal of trust or the abuse of power by someone close can result in both physical and psychological pain.

The feeling may be that if you let go of pain and suffering you might lose your self-identity, that others may perceive you as vulnerable and take undue advantage. You may worry of losing your sense of righteousness…

Some of us have belief systems that can justify revenge-seeking behaviours. We look down on the person as unworthy of forgiveness. We worry that we would fail our loved ones and ourselves and put the onus on the other person to forgive first.

Why make forgiving a must?

“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” – Malachy McCourt

Feelings of resentment and vengeance can consume lot of energy and cause both physical and mental distress. If you are unforgiving and hold on to negative feelings, you invite significant negative energy and negative circumstances into your life, repeatedly.

Pain can bring about ’suffering’ and suffering further reinforces the underlying pain. Forgiving disrupts this seemingly vicious cycle by ending the suffering. You choose whether you allow yourself to suffer or not to suffer, thereby determining your response to ‘pain’.

To forgive does not mean that you must befriend the person who ‘wronged’ you (although reconcilation might seem the way forward in some cases ) or approve of their actions.

When we let go and forgive, we experience peace and contribute to our own mental wellness. Research has found that forgiveness contributes to emotional and physical healing.

In holding grudges, the beholder gets affected the most; in forgiving, the forgiver benefits the most!

What do I need to do to forgive?

Recognise the hurt, the pain you have gone through and how it has affected your life so far. Acknowledge its presence and that although it may have served a purpose at the time of the incident, it has long stopped serving you.

Make a conscious decision to end your own suffering. You may find it useful to write down your intentions and all the reasons why you want to forgive. By doing so you allow yourself to envision a life without grudges and resentments, one with a clear purpose and meaning.

Challenge yourself to add a fresh perspective to your interpretation of the experience whereby the person hurt you. This does not mean an attempt at excusing the act nor undermining the other person’s actions or non-actions. This offers one an opportunity to not generalise the behaviour of the person, separating behaviour from identity. I find that this concept makes my forgiving process a lot easier.

Welcome feelings of compassion and empathy towards the person you are seeking to forgive. We need to wish for others what we want manifested in our own life.

Choose a method that works for you best. Some may take the spiritual route, others may adopt visualisation or guided imagery. There is also the option of using coaching, counselling or therapy to address issues that may be quite deeply rooted.

Commit to forgiving. The process of forgiving may sound simplistic and straightforward. However it might prove otherwise. Recognise your own need for forgiveness, for any critical comment or behaviour that may have hurt others, intentionally or otherwise.

Answer this honestly…

Would you prefer others to forgive you or would you rather have them hold on to their resentments and plot vengeful acts against you?

One must learn to forgive themselves before they can forgive others.

If you find yourself saying that you don’t feel ready to forgive someone (or yourself), ask this ‘powerful’ question…

“If not now, when?”

Tagged as: Add new tag, attitude, Empathy, forgiveness, mental health, Relationships